Guy Browning takes a sideways look at insurance jargon

F is for...

Facility - Toilet for brokers

Factor - A small farm with only one tractor

Facultative obligatory treaty - Agreement by which children get pocket money only when they've done their homework.

Failure of consideration - Male brokers' habit of leaving the seat up in the facility, to the annoyance of female brokers

Fidelity guarantee - Chastity belt

Field staff - Peasant labourers

Final pensionable salary - What your pension's likely to be the day after being rude to your boss

Fire - What your boss does to you if you step out of line

Fire insurance - Having compromising photographs of your boss and his PA

First loss - Slight recession of hair just above the temples. Often found in men shortly before first sports car

First party insurance - Insurance teenagers wish they'd had after destroying their parents' house with first party

Fixed sum excess - Creative accounting to make the figures add up

Fixtures - Badly fitting hair pieces

Flat line reinsurance - Lies your personal trainer tells you before you pay him for ten sessions

Flexible endowment assurance - Boxer shorts

Floater policy - A café that serves coffee with a layer of cream on the top

Flood insurance - Box of tissues made ready before Julia Roberts film

Follow the lead - Underwriter's version of swinging the lead

Force majeure - Leader of a troop of majorettes

Forcible and violent means - Standard appraisal in insurance

Forfeiture - The physical law that explains why when there are four feet in a bed, only half of them are ever warm

Fortuitous event - Anything unpleasant that happens to the boss

Forum - Enough for a meeting, but not quite a quorum

Forward contract - Action by middle-aged men to suck in the stomach when young attractive women walk by

Foundations clause - Refusal of heavily made-up women to go out in the rain

Franking - Telling someone what you really think of them